


Undead Wonderland

by WinchesterNimrod



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BAMF Haruno Sakura, BAMF Hatake Kakashi, BAMF Uchiha Sasuke, BAMF Uzumaki Naruto, Butterfly Effect, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Development, Grim Reapers, Humor, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Mental Instability, Overprotective Kakashi, Psychic Abilities, Reincarnation, SI as Sasuke, Self-Insert, Suicidal Tendancies, Suicidal Thoughts, Supernatural Elements, Team Bonding, so original characters are slightly different
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-04 16:08:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14023839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinchesterNimrod/pseuds/WinchesterNimrod
Summary: The worst part about being reincarnated had to be the ghosts.





	1. Arc 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Naruto.
> 
> I had a plot bunny and needed to write it down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okie Doke. 
> 
> Sasuke's different, he has the memories of another life. Meaning, he would somehow, in some way, effect those around him. Sakura isn't as obsessed with him. Naruto isn't as annoyed with him. I present to you, the wondrous concept of *sparkle hands* the butterfly effect.

 

"Wake up!"

There's an overwhelming metallic taste in his mouth as Sasuke's jolted awake. Wheezing through clenched teeth and trying not to scream as past memories  _burn_  in his mind. They were a mixture of Itachi and  _something else._

A past life filled with happiness and hugs and family and  _why am I alive why am I a child_.

Sasuke clenches his fists in the bed sheets. Feeling a sudden urge to shoot something.

_Oh that's right, they don't have guns here._

"Aah, I should have woken you up earlier. Sorry, Sasuke-kun. I didn't realize it was  _that_  dream."

There's the tell tale chill that creeps up his spine like insects and Sasuke tilts his head towards the doorway where Kenji floated. As always, he graciously ignores the slit throat oozing blood.

"No worries," he rasps. Slightly stunning himself.

"You were screaming there for a little bit before I managed to wake you," Kenji informs guiltily.

With a heavy sigh he wriggles out of bed and rubs away what's left of sleep. No use in trying to fall back again, not after  _that_.

"Time?" he coughs. Dry swallowing.

"Five thirty."

Ah.

Kenji gives him an expression of sorrow-filled sympathy and Sasuke doesn't have the strength to hate it. "Only an hour until team placements. You've made it this far, Sasuke-kun. Don't give up just yet, ne?"

He misses whiskey.

\- ; -

Staring at the navy blue cloth attached to engraved metal, Sasuke can't help but be reminded at how similar it is to his police badge.

Yet so, infuriatingly  _not_.

His badge symbolized protection of the innocent and laws of justice to uphold. It was a meaning of honour and duty.

He put it on every morning, and ended up dying with it.

This hetai was like a dog collar marking its owner. Inducing a false sense of pride to brainwashed cannon fodders. Sacrificial child soldiers. Sending lams to the slaughter house.

Sasuke snorts with a vicious scowl.

He hates this village.

He hates this  _world_.

"Where will you put it?" Sasuke doesn't startle when Kenji's face suddenly materializes from the bathroom mirror. Bodily fluids leaking from his throat and into the sink. He steps out and around Sasuke, examining him. "I think it would look nice around your arm."

"You mean like yours," he glances meaningfully at Kenji. Eyebrow arched.

"Obviously you wouldn't look half as good as I do, but semantics."

Scoffing, Sasuke rolls his eyes and ties the headband around his left bicep. Observing himself in the mirror, Sasuke notes that the blue was horribly eye-catching against his black sleeves. Ah, he could always change that. Maybe tomorrow. Where was the rush? It was only his first day as a genin. He wasn't expecting to be put out in the field so early.

While this village's relationship with morals are fleeting at best, even Sasuke had to admit they weren't  _that bad_.

"Eeey," Kenji smirks, "I knew it would suit you. I have an eye for these things, they don't call me fashionable for nothing, kid."

"Nobody calls you anything anymore," Sasuke walks out of the bathroom, and because his apartment is about the size of a kiddy pool, within two strides he's in the kitchen. "You're dead."

"You really ought to work on that personality of yours," Kenji mopes behind, pools of glittery red following. "If you carry on with this sass you won't make a good teammate."

"I don't care about inter-relationships, they enable you. Make you susceptible to manipulation and ending up as a pawn in a game of politics."

"It might have been that way in your world," Kenji says while observing Sasuke gather ingredients for a grilled ham and cheese sandwich. "But you know here, relationships are the foundation of the Leaf and staying alive."

"What if I don't want to stay alive?" Sasuke grabs a knife and cutting board. "What if I'm betting on sabotaging my career so I'll meet a swift, exciting death on the battlefield?"

Like before, only this time he'll stay dead and buried like a good little human.

"Then I've got to say, you're doing a bang-up job so far," Kenji remarks dryly.

"Thank you."

"That wasn't a compliment, you suicidal idiot. I haven't watched and guided over you this far just to see you give up like a kicked animal."

Sasuke turns to Kenji at last, eyes dark. "You stuck to me like a Goddamn leech so you'd have some company and feel better about yourself. Don't pretend this 'guardian angel' act wasn't all for selfish gain."

Kenji doesn't say anything at first, and Sasuke easily goes back to making his breakfast. "It was at first, but…I like your company."

"Doesn't say much when I'm paired up against douchebag ghosts."

"Eh, you've got me there."

Sasuke snorts and slathers on a heart-attack amount of butter to the frying pan.

\- ; -

The plan on sabotaging team relationships didn't even need to be put into motion considering who Iruka paired him with.

_Just like in the anime._

_…Which I really should have made an effort into remembering._

He was with Naruto - who loathes him for some reason, yet adores their pink-haired teammate Sakura. Said pink-haired teammates despises Naruto yet adores  _him_.

Said 'he' doesn't mind either of them really. Hating is a waste of time and liking equally requires time – ergo he'll just accept their continuing existence until they all die together in a glorious battle filled with heartache and bloodshed.

"Oi, bastard!" Sasuke cocks his head towards Naruto seated up front in the empty classroom.

Classmates had left just under an hour ago along with their assigned jōnin. Iruka himself had left. Work for the year finished in a heavy sigh.

Funny, it was almost as if he was guilty for something.

_He just sent children off to die, of course he would be feeling guilty._

"Do you like ramen?"

…What's with this random question? "I've never tried it. Why?"

The kid stares at him as though he had just cursed his great ancestors. "Never – you -" he splutters then slaps the table. "Well  _no wonder_  you're such a constipated mess of a guy. It all makes sense!"

"Don't call Sasuke-kun a constipated mess of a guy!" Sakura shoots from her seat besides Sasuke and begins hoofing her way across desk after desk towards an extremely baffled Naruto.

"Ah, eh?! Sakura-chan stop you might fall!"

"Sasuke-kun's perfect the way he is, idiot!"

"No he is  _not_  - just look at the guy, he has dead fish eyes. No twinkle in them at all!"

" _Naruto!_ "

Sasuke drops his head in his arms and blocks out the noise.

\- ; -

Their Jōnin sensei arrives an hour he's not alone.

Trailing behind like a lost duckling is a girl  _[I recognize her, where have I seen her before?]._  No older than fourteen with purple tattoos on her cheeks and a hole where her heart should be. Sasuke's seen worse, but considering he ate not too long ago, he has to swallow back a little bit of ham when seeing the dangling insides dripping and making a total mess of the floor.

He also has to try really hard to not stare in open fascination when a piece of her ribs sticking out snaps off. Only to rematerialize back seconds later.

Creepy.

"…next, broody."

Sasuke blinks back into awareness. Gaze sliding back to his Jōunin-sensei's eye. Yes, eye. The man appears to have lost one down the winding road of Oz.

_Isn't his name Kakashi?_

"Hmm?" He shuffles on the step and glances at his teammates on either side of him. They were on the Academy's rooftop, sensei reclined carelessly against the barrier's edge with the backdrop of Konoha behind him. It almost made him look awe-inspiring.

Almost.

"Addle-brained mind, hmm?"

Sasuke scratches his nose, "What were we talking about?"

On his left Naruto groans, "Not this again. Pay attention teme!"

Besides Kakashi the ghost girl stares at Naruto softly.

"We were doing introductions," their sensei speaks slow. Lazy eye giving him a look that reminds Sasuke of the one he used to give his dog when she pooped on the carpet.

"Ahh, we were?"

"Maa," Kakashi sighs up at the sky, "as it appears you weren't paying attention looks like we'll have to start over."

"Ugh!" Naruto grips his blonde hair in frustration, "Come on, sensei! We already know each other let's get to the exciting part!"

The man looks considerate for a moment, and Naruto practically shines.

"Umm,  _no_."

" _Bwugh_."

"Naruto, quiet!" Sakura leans behind Sasuke and grips him by the ear.

The ghost girl looks on, smile splitting from ear to ear as though she were enjoying this. Huh.

What a sadistic little ghost.

"Ow ow ow Sakura- _chan_ ~"

"Right!" their sensei claps, eye-smiling at them which positively screams he would rather be anywhere other than here. Sasuke could relate. He'd rather be dead in his old world with his family mourning him than in another universe he could barely remember. "I'm Hatake Kakashi," the two kids release one another as he begins. "My hobby is knitting, I like reading romantic novels. I dislike people who are untrustworthy, and my goals for the future are…" his head of silver tips to the side, "I don't have any. Pinky, your turn."

"I told you it's  _Sakura-chan_ , sen _sei_ ," the girl grins, tone threatening violence before switching back with abnormal speed. "I'm Haruno Sakura, my hobbies include writing and training, my likes are," she coughs and blushes a bit, " _reading_. My dislikes are Ino-pig and people who make fun of my appearance. My goal for the future is…to grow into a capable shinobi."

"Better than before," Kakashi mutters and nods to Naruto. "Next."

"Ugh, fine. Name's Uzumaki Naruto. Remember it! My hobbies include pranks and eating ramen. My likes are ramen, my dislikes are people who're ignorant of the wonders of ramen, and my dream for the future is to become the best Hokage this village has ever seen so people will finally notice me!"

The ghost's smile drops. Dark look glazing her face.

"Cutting it a little short than before, Naruto-chan," Kakashi mocks concern. "Could you do it again so Sasuke-chan can have a better understanding – "

"He already knows me you lumbering porcupine!" Naruto practically leaps out of his skin in frustration. "Let's get this ball rolling already so we can go save people, yeah!"

"Maa maa," Kakashi swings his head back and forth, oblivious to the way the girl at his side playfully glares. The cuteness factor drops below zero because hello, she has a hole in her chest and it's dropping what Sasuke can only assume as important bodily functions.

_"'Kashi-chan stop antagonizing these poor children."_

Sasuke feels his insides shiver at the whispery, melodic tone of her voice.

"I see I've hurt your feelings, so I'll do as told," saluting, Kakashi turns his attention to Sasuke. "Broody, why don't you introduce yourself? Hmm?"

_What a prissy little bitch._

"My name's Uchiha Sasuke," he drawls the name with hidden contempt. "My hobbies include cooking and practicing my fire jutsu," the Jōnin reacts a little bit to that. Not much, just a twitch of the shoulders.

He's not surprised.

After setting blaze to the Uchiha district and rendering it to piles of ash – fire gets rid of ghosts, who new? - People have been wary of his relationship with fire ever since.

Nice to see concern over his mental wellbeing in a world that's convinced the moon is a person.

He wishes he was making shit up.

"My dislikes are a lot of things - and my goal for the future is…" dying is a little much, he presumes, "something out of reach."

Kakashi bobs his head, "Okaaay. Now that's taken care of we can move on to more important things."

" _Finally_ ," Naruto moans. "So, what're we gonna do, huh? Rescue princesses? Kick bad guy's asses? Please tell me yes, I've been waiting like an eternity for – "

"None of that, Naruto-chan~" Kakashi flaps a placating hand at him. "No, no no, what I have planned for you three is so much better!" He announces cheerfully.

Naruto would have jumped in delight had it not been for Kakashi's sudden giggles.

Grown men shouldn't giggle.

"Okay," Saskura whispers to no one in particular. "That's upped his creepy factor spectacularly."

Sasuke finds himself grunting in agreement.

\- ; -

Personally, Sasuke found he was very good at hiding the fact that he could see ghosts. Differentiating between a human and the undead could be somewhat, well, difficult at times when there's not an obvious cause of death.

For example: Kenji.

The poor bastard had his throat slit by an enemy nin during the third shinobi war – which was about a decade ago and  _what the fuck_ \- since then his body was never found the guy's been moping about ever since. Stuck in limbo or whatever state of existence ghosts are in until he found Sasuke.

Who apparently glows like the fucking sun and  _sparkles_.

Which is not fun when he's just trying to get along in this shitty world and die an exciting death. Ghosts hounding him about moving them onto the afterlife were not welcomed. He wasn't a bag of chips they could just  _open_. He wasn't a reaper or angel or whatever they thought he was.

The only way to get them to leave him alone is if he wears something with iron in it. He figured that miracle out after being handed back his dog tags by the nurse when he was discharged from the hospital.

One second he was surrounded, barely able to hear anything above his own voice while they all whispered when suddenly – it's quiet. They looked confused, as though they forgot he could  _see them_  and disappeared without another word.

Now the only way a ghost knows he can see them is if he interacts with them voluntarily.

He messed up  _once_  with Kenji – and yeah, okay. So the Uchiha fiasco hadn't ended so well either but nothing like that has happened since. That had to count for something.

Point being, Sasuke considers himself  _very_  adept at keeping his ability a secret.

\- ; -

_"You can see me, can't you?"_

_What_ , Sasuke thinks blankly.  _…What?_

He hadn't even look in her direction. Never gave her the slightest hint that he could see her. Pretended he was innocent and unimpressed by death.

So how…

Sasuke grits his teeth and shoves a fistful of noodles into his mouth. Maybe some of his sparkles or whatever managed to peek through. It's not like he could lower the wattage, much to his chagrin.

"That's right teme!" Naruto cheers besides him. Oblivious to his favourite ramen stall being haunted by a ghost that looked to have had a house dropped on her. "Knew you'd like it. Ichiraku ramen never lets anybody down, believe it! It could cure death!"

It took every drop of self-control he had to not burst out laughing.

The man behind the counter gives a warm belly laugh for him instead. Eyes creased back like crinkled paper. Besides him, in the outer rim of Sasuke's eyes, the woman has an identical one.

Albeit sadder.

 _"I'm not going to do anything to you, dear."_  Her tinkering voice, identical to a tiny bell, rings in his ears.

_"…I won't tell the other ghosts."_

He twitches.

_"Ah, so that's what the problem is."_

Keeping gaze steady on the ramen he swallows, feeling the weight of glutinous noodles slide down to his stomach like sea water before piling some more in. To his right Sakura stares in an open mixture of fascination and unease.

"Eh, Sasuke-kun…did you even chew?"

Sparing her a glance Sasuke is barely able to hold back a flinch when he comes face to face with the woman's doll-like eyes.

There's nothing behind them but a vacuum.

[So different from Kenji's]

The entire right side of her body was black and blue. Dented, caved and disfigured. As though she were a half-finished clay doll. Upon consideration, Sasuke could imagine her once being very beautiful.

Her ghostly finger brush down his cheek and Sasuke puts great effort into not giving a reaction. Staring where he estimates Sakura's eyes are, he grunts and turns back to his ramen.

 _"Amazing…_ " the ghost whispers,  _"I can almost feel the blood pumping in your body. I can't feel that with my husband."_ She moves closer. Expression one of extreme curiosity and fear. _"What are you?"_

In Sasuke's opinion, he'd like to think human.

"Oi, oi teme," Naruto slices a hand in the air. "I'm all for fast eating but this is your first experience with ramen. Take your time. And chew for Kami-sama's sake! The noodles are the best part!"

Nope. As of right now Sasuke had no other plans than to get as far away from this place as possible. Face exceptionally blank, Sasuke looks up at Naruto. Gulping down another mouthful and blinking.

He couldn't help it. "Say something?"

Naruto turns red.

"Teme! I'm treating you and Sakura-chan to this meal so be damn thankful," then he pauses and peers over to Sakura's untouched bowl. "Nani?! Sakura-chan, why aren't you eating? Dontcha like it?"

"Oh-oh no it's just that this isn't exactly healthy and – "

"Impossible!"

While Naruto and Sakura debate, Sasuke attempts to finish the ramen in record time.

"Gosh," the cook mutters. Bewildered. "I didn't know you liked ramen so much, Uchiha-san. You should come by more often."

Like Hell.

 _"Yes, please do."_  The woman bends down to try and catch his eyes. Sasuke looks up at the cook instantly, shrugging.  _"Maybe next time you'll actually talk to me. Other ghosts aren't exactly lively company, I'm afraid."_ She chuckles at her half-hearted joke.

"Ugh!" Sakura slams the chopsticks down on the bar so hard that they end up inserted into the wood.

There's a collective pause and everyone stares.

Naruto nearly chokes on his saliva.

 _"…Ayame-chan would love her."_ She leans in with wide eyes. " _Ayame-chan is my daughter, you see. Could you give her a message for me? I died when she was still very little and never got to tell her how proud I am to see her grow into such a beautiful young woman. Could you do that for me, Uchiha-san?"_

Sasuke held onto what little patience he had to not scowl at her. Was the ghost really trying to pull the wounded bird story on him? What a slithery bitch.

_"I'm sure you wanted to tell your parents something before they died."_

This time his eyes did swing to her. Dark and furious.

The ghost flinches back and materializes besides the cook who abruptly shivers.

"I thought we came here to discuss tomorrow's survival training." Sakura says, eyes narrowed and voice trembling with barely retrained fury. "But instead so far all we've done is eat and debate over  _ramen_? Are you kidding me? Whether we succeed or not tomorrow will shape our future, we need to take this seriously you guys."

"That's the spirit," Sasuke remarks dryly.

"Oh-ho," Sakura plants a forced smile on her face. "Don't think for one second that my crush on you blinds me to your attitude, Sasuke-kun."

"Sheesh," Naruto mutters to him. Cowering slightly under the alpha rays Sakura was emitting. Odd, considering the kid was housing a weapon equivalent to a nuclear bomb inside his stomach. "I always knew she was scary when angry but man. She looks like she's about to murder someone."

"You, most likely."

Naruto pins him with an exasperated look.

"Guys!" Sakura bursts.

Biting down on the last of his noodles and swallowing, Sasuke reaches for the broth only to grasp air. He snaps up at Sakura. The girl held his bowl out of reach, eyebrows scrunched.

"Give it."

"No," she meets him head on and Sasuke's eyebrows slowly rise at the brat's audacity. "We're all going to sit here and discuss what we plan for tomorrow."

"Ah let the bastard leave, Sakura-chan," Naruto flops on the bar so he could see her. "Kakashi-sensei said only two can pass."

"He was lying," she says. Teeth bared in a vicious smile. "He was trying to trick us. There's never been a two man team in the history of Konoha."

"E-eh?"

Sasuke contemplates the effort in attempting to snatch his bowl from Sakura and comes up wondering why he'd even bother. He only came here for the free food and admittedly discussing tomorrow was his original priority. Passing this test would bring him one step closer to dying after all.

But he didn't count on an annoying ghost to interfere.

Looks as though tomorrow he'll have to wing it. Oh well, their sensei didn't reveal much in the ways of things so really, it doesn't matter.

A roll of his eyes, Sasuke slips off the stool and leaves.

"Hey, teme!" Naruto shouts at his back.

"Ja ne," he waves lamely.

"Oh for the love of – " Sakura angles back in her chair with remarkable balance and grips him by the collar. Wrenching him back. Sasuke blinks, dumbfounded to even react. "Sometimes I wonder why I even like you, Sasuke-kun."

"I'm a catch," he defends on reflex before sobering. "Let go of me."

Sakura swallows back the itch in her throat at his toneless voice. It was so…empty. "No."

"Alrighty then."

Sakura notices the change in him immediately. "Naruto.  _Quick_  – !" before she can even finish her sentence, Sasuke ends up football tackled at full fucking speed to the ground.

\- ; -

They never really do end up discussing the survival test. Sakura's all too busy trying to make sure Naruto and Sasuke don't blow up Ichiraku's.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? should I continue this?


	2. Arc 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to continue this story. Honestly unsure of where this will head, but I've been planning some things so hopefully we'll get to see more supernatural elements.
> 
> :D Thank you for all the support!

 

\- ; -

"Hatake Kakashi?" Kenji echoes. "Oh wow, you really can't escape fate can you?" There's a pause. "Does that mean you can't die until you finish the story?"

"I'm mildly concerned about that, yes," Sasuke scrubs a hand over his face. Blank eyes staring down his week old sushi. He's certain it was long past expired – the rice had a cardboard texture to it and tuna more green than brown. Could he die from eating it? He wonders, poking the fish with a chopstick. "What I'm more interested about is that ghost girl that follows him around. Creepy looking little shit."

"Creepy little –  _Oh_!" Kenji bounces his head enthusiastically, squirting blood all over Sasuke's meal and face. Grimacing, he puts down his chopsticks and wipes a hand over his face. Feeling the cool liquid slowly dissolve.

"You mean Rin-chan," the ghost 'aah's as though he were remembering something sore. "Man, her death was impressive. She made Hatake punch her through the heart like –  _kapow_!" Kenji slams a fist through Sasuke's chest, causing ice to flourish inside him like an infection. "Gotta say, messed the poor bastard up. And he was already messed up to begin with, so, that was like colossal fuckery right there."

"Thought so," Sasuke hums, slithers of memories flickering in the back of his mind. Picking up his plate and striding to the empty bin, he drops it and ignores the porcelain smash.

Alas, dinner was not meant to be.

"Oi," Kenji floats up behind him, peering worriedly over his shoulder and drenching it. "You need to eat."

"I'm not hungry," he dismisses with a wave, absently wiping his shoulder.

"You've already tried starvation," the guy tuts, looming like a bad smell while Sasuke cleans the kitchen.

Earlier he had tried to make some grilled salmon. Only, the salmon had rotted thanks to Kenji's undead influence.

Turns out cooking expired salmon wasn't nearly easy he had thought it would be.

"I don't need the reminder," he says. Shuddering from a mixture of shame and annoyance. Recalling the moment in horrid detail when he collapsed during class. A look of terrible understanding on Iruka's face along with the sharp smack of the edge of his desk. "It's kind of painful."

"You know," Kenji floats in front of him, lower body vanishing underneath the sink. Sasuke pauses for a split second before filling the sink up with warm water and soap.

In neither lives had Sasuke thought he would wash a frying pan in a dead guy's mid-drift.

He lives for such wonders.

"When a person repeats the same mistakes over and over again, they're called insane."

"They're also called stupid," Sasuke gives a textbook smile. "I never claimed to be smart."

Kenji snorts and is suddenly surrounded by bubbles.

"Anyways," he begins, grabbing a sponge and his oily pan. "About Rin, do you know why she's haunting him?"

There are many reasons why ghosts haunt people. They're either:

\- attached to a personal object

\- they like haunting people for shits and giggles (Kenji, Sasuke presumes)

\- or, the most common, the ghost has unfinished business . Example, Ichiraku woman who wants to say last words to her family.

\- they hold a grudge - perhaps murdered. Sasuke despises these guys. They're violent and stubborn bastards to get rid of. (the Uchiha incident flashes in his mind briefly –  _a curtain of fire - burning and ripping and_ _ **tearing**_ _as they scream and beg Sasuke for vengeance_ )

Given the indecent state he saw Rin in, Sasuke hopes she isn't the vengeance type. She didn't seem it.

Revenge ghosts don't normally chastise their victims in such a  _cutely_  manner.

"You know I don't like conversing with other ghosts, especially child ones," Kenji takes to the change of subject without so much as a blink.

Which isn't unusual considering ghosts don't blink in general.

"Damn," he sighs. Looking up at the ceiling with a hard scowl. "Finding out what type she is, is gonna be a pain."

"Hold up," the dead guy raises a hand. "What are you planning?"

"To exorcise Rin," he cocks his head, eyeing Kenji. "What else would I be planning?"

Exorcising a ghost has two ways. He either burns their body and they disappear. Snuffed out quietly with little fanfare.

· This works when the ghosts have no clear intent towards the material world, no grudge, unfinished business ect.

Or, when that fails, he burns whatever they're attached to. And when that fails and the dead bastards prove to be stubborn, he burns the ghost itself.

* Burning a ghost is like trying to light a wet leaf – you need to drench it in gasoline.

Kenji gives a look. "Normally ways to die – and I'll admit I'm liking the change of pace, but – uh,  _why_? Rin hasn't done anything to deserve going wherever ghosts go after you roast them like chicken."

"Do you even need to ask?" he barks out a miserable laugh. "If I pass Hatake's stupid survival test, " which he's now certain of since Kenji's brought up Fate -  _Christ_. Such a ridiculous concept but so is reincarnation. One step closer to death, one step back. he waves a soapy hand in the air, "I don't exactly want a ghost haunting the team. It's both creepy and annoying, also a bad omen." His head aches just imagining having to constantly ignore Rin every day. No amount of desensitization he's capable of can stop him from ogling that B-rated horror child.

Fictional character or not, it's damned creepy.

"Hey!" Kenji pouts in offence. "I'm neither creepy or annoying."

Sasuke blinks at him.

Face exceptionally blank, he wordlessly goes back to scrubbing the pan.

"I'm – I am  _not_."

\- ; -

The sun was just above the horizon when he arrives at training field twelve the next day. Stomach plentiful empty and leaving a slight pinch in the back of his neck.

Kakashi had stated yesterday that they were not to eat breakfast, or else they might throw up during the test.

Sasuke couldn't help but laugh a little at that – either out of melancholy or bitter irony, he does not know. But the last time he had thrown up was at his first murder scene where some stupid sonofabitch blew another stupid sonofabitch's brains out. The unlucky bastard was strewn across a gutter, drenched in brain matter and piss. Sasuke can still recall the dead man's face, slacked in a look of not horror, but confusion and recognition.

(He did not like the reminder of his past life. Not one bit.)

A cop does not throw up during work unless they're either a rookie or a particularly delicate individual who needs to reconsider their vocation.

"Oy! Sasuke!"

The man turns around to glance back at an orange blur torpedoing towards him.

"Man, didn't think you'd be here so, well, early!" Naruto comes to a slow jog at his side. Smile brighter than the sun behind him. "That's two days in a row you've been early." His blue eyes narrow in suspicion. "What gives?"

"Felt like turning over a new leaf," Sasuke shrugs and doesn't mention the nightmares. Of Itachi, of his Clan.

Of a nine-year-old shoplifter shooting down his partner, spraying his face with a mist of blood that he's never been able to wash off before  _firing_.

"For some reason," Naruto says, "I don't believe you."

"Good, because my relationship with honestly is fleeting at best."

"Your mentality is really messed up."

\- ; -

 _Jesus Christ_ , Sasuke thinks when Sakura comes storming into training ground twelve. Expression and eyes glinting manically. Gripped tightly in her hand was an A5 book thicker than the English dictionary.

"Tell me I'm good," she grins shark-like.

"You're a goddess," Sasuke drawls, "what's the book?"

Sakura blinks, not looking disappointed, but extremely resigned. "Huh. Wow"

Naruto ploughs over. "I'd pick you over ramen any day, Sakura-chan!"

" _Ram_  - huh," she sighs heavily, flicking to a corner-folded page and displays the book open in front of them. Naruto squawks.

"That's- that's Kakashi-sensei!"

Indeed.

Sasuke's eyebrows flock to his hairline, equally stunned at seeing what looked to be a roughly outlined profile on Kakashi. Underneath a wallet-sized sketch of a younger, more detached version of the man they met yesterday - were stats on his abilities and a briefly summarized background history.

"What is this?" he asks Sakura, who is appropriately smug.

" _That_ ," she pronounces, "is a bingo-book I rented from the library."

Sasuke hums the same time Naruto frowns. Mystified.

"A what?"

"Honestly Naruto, did you ever listen in class?"

"No, I was too busy doing something interesting."

\- ; -

They spend the next two hours exercising the tactical and analytical thinking that was implanted into their brains during the Academy. Thanks to Sakura and the profile provided on Kakashi, they are able to come up with a few ideas on what he'll have them do. So far all they knew was that there were two bells they had to retrieve if they wanted to pass. Everything else was a mystery to them.

Sasuke doesn't tell them he watched this all happen in a past life.

\- ; -

The splintering chill in his spine is what alerts Sasuke to Kakashi's arrival. So when he feels a warm puff of breath fan his left cheek, he doesn't react.

"Yo."

Naruto and Sakura's heads whirl and in unison they leap to their feet, stumbling over each other in horror.

"Gaaah! Don't do that!"

"You're late!" 

"Oh? I am?" the man eye-smiles at them, still crouched way to close to Sasuke – who's grimacing, not for the lack of personal space. But rather at Rin who was looming behind him and the large piece of rib cage that drops into his lap. It's yellow and cracked. As though it were nothing but bark that fell off a tree.

"Really??" Kakashi cocks his head.

Blood dribbles down his neck like melted ice and Sasuke fights back the urge to squirm uncomfortably.

Jesus Christ.

' _oh! I'm sorry!'_ Rin's voice tinkers and she flutters around him sheepishly. Swiping the bit of bone away and looking up at him with big  _deaddeaddead_  eyes. ' _Sorry'_

Sasuke pretends to not see her. He turns over to stare at Kakashi and blinks.

She's right in his face, presence more chilling than an ice rink it makes his nose tingle. Makes it hard to breathe. He's never been this close to her before, and now he can tell.

 _'I really am sorry, I'm not in the habit of dropping pieces of myself onto children'_  she _giggles_ like an insane person.

"A-ah,"  _ah shit._

She was a vengeance ghost. He's certain now. Normal ghosts, nicer ghosts (if there were such a thing), don't have such a prickly presence. Aren't so  _clearly_  rickety in the melon.

 _She's gonna be one hell of a bitch to exorcise,_ he grumbles mentally and instantly decides to worry about it tomorrow. For now he has to pass this stupid test.

"I recall the meeting time being ten." He hears Kakashi speak behind Rin, and thankfully she floats away. Choosing to watch a bird above in a tree branch.

The bird startles something bad as though sensing something like a natural disaster.

" _Lies_ ," Naruto hisses venomously. "You lie!"

Kakashi just smiles again and does a quick once-over of everyone. "Well, if we're all here, let's begin." The man stands languidly and walks into the middle of the clearing. Rin quickly trails behind him, skipping in the air and singing a nursery rhyme about decapitation.

Sasuke wishes he had a set of earplugs and a bottle of tequila.

Naruto growls low in his throat, though doesn't say anything when Sakura flashes him side-long  _look._  So instead, with a low rumble he offers Sasuke a hand. Taking it, he's heaved up and follows them over to his new trainer.

[He remembers his old teachers and instructors – their wise words and cutting voices.]

And sighs.

\- ; -

Kakashi pulls out an analogue clock and sets a timer on it.

"This clock will be set up to ring at twelve, when it does. Until then you have two hours to come up with a plan to defeat me."

Sakura looked to have been punched in the face. "Defeat, sensei?" She asks, voice strained. "But you said this was a survival exam with the bells – we planned - "

"It is a survival exam." Kakashi cuts in, eyes twinkling. "Because it's against  _me_."

"But – the bells - "

"Please hold all questions until I've explained the entire mission, ne?"

Sakura closes her mouth, cheeks pink.

"Thank you, now children. Your mission is to capture these bells off of me," he produces two bells strung together by a piece of string that looked older than Kakashi.

"Before noon."

"That's all?" Naruto whispers under his breath.

"Just curious," Kakashi drawls while he ties the bells to his belt. "Did anyone eat breakfast?"

Frowning Sakura says, "You told us not to. So we didn't."

Checking over Naruto and Sasuke's nods of confirmation, Kakashi's eye creases into a hundred watt smile.

"Excellent! This will only motivate you more to retrieving the bells."

His tone is an abundance of treachery.

"Since," Kakashi seems to smirk like an ass, "whoever doesn't have a bell by noon, will not only fail my test and get sent back to the academy, you also won't have the lunch I made you all!"

"What?!" Naruto shouts, back slapping ramrod straight while Sakura appears to turn to stone.

"Get sent back– ?!"

"No lunch?!" Naruto grips his hair, jaw unhinged and expression showing extreme horror before he's smacked over the head by Sakura.

"Yah!" She pounces, gripping him by the shoulders and shaking. "What is wrong with your head, Naruto?"

"You hit it." Sasuke drawls and is instantly silenced by her manic look.

"Now's not the time to be thinking about your appetite, Naruto. Stop being such a gluttonous idiot, Naruto!"

"My my," Kakashi's eyes positively twinkle in delight at the chaos. "Already fighting, are we?"

Sasuke grins dry.

"We're fine sensei," Sakura shrugs Naurto away, the boy grumbles low in his throat.

"Freakin' Sakura-chan, thinking I only care about my belly…."

"It's because you do," she hisses under her breath.

"Do not!"

"Alright," Kakashi cocks his head. "Then it's safe to say I'll also eat the meal in front of you – "

"You'll what you spiky-haired punk?!"

" _Naruto_!"

"To succeed and not witness such mutiny," Kakashi continues cheerfully, oblivious to Rin's disapproving words. "I repeat, you will have to defeat me." He plants kunai at their feet with a lazy throw. The three of them flinch. "In the academy you were taught ways to use various methods of force. To take me down," his gaze is hard against his jovial voice, "you will have to use lethal force."

"But sensei," Sakura tries to process what's happening, "that's – "

"Ya want us ta kill ya?!" Naruto shrieks in horror, the red district accent he's spent years masking accidentally slipping out.

"If it's any consolation," Kakashi turns around to place the analogue clock on a patch of grass. "There's a ninety nine per cent chance you wont succeed."

"Oi," Naruto says after a pause. Voice unnervingly calm. "Ya don't believe in us?"

"A deadlast, a mindless fangirl, and a pyromaniac." The man lists off with each finger and wiggles them in their face. "Doesn't exactly inspire confidence."

"I hate people like you." Naruto's hands clench by his side. Face twisting into a snarl. "People who label others with just one glance, not even bothering to  _understand_ , to take the time to get to know them and realize just how hard – the shit they've dealt with, just to get where they're at."

"In your case, not very far. Hmm?" Kakashi taunts and dodges the fist Naruto rushes at him. Grabbing and twisting the blondes arm before sending the kid to the ground. He plants a foot on the Naruto's head and bends down to say gently, "I don't allow people to back talk and assault me, Naruto-kun. Especially children who are ranked lower. Far lower. Remember your place and  _behave yourself_."

Besides him Rin blanches.

Even Sasuke's a little taken aback. He would have thought the constipated brat cared at least little bit about the child he abandoned to the wolves of Konoha.

"Do you understand, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto scoffs into the dirt, "I don't listen to people like you."

"You'll have to," Kakashi applies a little more pressure on his arm. Naruto lets out a whimper of pain that sends Sasuke's spine to straighten. In the far recesses of his mind, something biting whispers.

_You swore an oath to protect innocents._

"If you want to become Hokage, you'll have to listen to people like me."

"No. I'll have to  _beat_  people like you!" Naruto shouts, gasping when Kakashi continues to  _twist_ his arm.

The whispering prickles Sasuke's skin, "Let him go," he hears himself say.

Kakashi looks up and blinks. If he's surprised, he doesn't show it. In fact, Kakashi doesn't show anything.

"What was that, Sasuke-kun?"

_Yes, what was that Sasuke?_

"Nothing, sensei."

"Nothing?!" Sakura breaks out of her stupefied reverie with a burst of anger. "Fuck you, Sasuke."

"Oh. Hey," Sasuke frowns. "Uncalled for."

"You get off of Naruto right now you – you slithery, asshole!" She storms forwards. "I don't care if you're my sensei  _you do not hurt my teammate_!"

"Oi oi oi Sakura-chan," Naruto starts flailing like a kitten being dumbed in a bath as she draws near. "I'm perfectly fine - " he cuts himself off with another terrible whimper that makes Sasuke almost feel dirty for not doing anything.

Almost.

"Like hell!" She glowers at Kakashi, who meets her gaze shamelessly. "Let. Him.  _Go_."

"I will."

"Good."

"If you're willing to kill me."

Sakura makes a split-second jerk before raising her chin. "I won't do that."

"Then – "

" _Yet_." Her gaze goes hard and promising. "When our exam starts, then I'll come at you with everything I've got. But for now, hand over my teammate."

"Sakura-chan," Naruto stares at her in awe. Totally enamoured.

After staring at her for a long moment, Kakashi steps off Naruto and hauls him up. Arm still locked in a firm grip. "Your argument could use more work, but it's convincing enough for now." Kakashi releases Naruto and nudges him over.

Sakura sags and drags Naruto to stand in-between her and Sasuke.

"Bastard," Naruto eyes Sasuke. Looking thoroughly put out. "For a second there I thought you actually cared."

"So did I," Sasuke shrugs a shoulder. "Fortunately we were both wrong."

"Oh yes, there's an upside to everything isn't there?"

\- ; -

Side note: Kakashi isn't an actual ass he's just testing them (okay so he's a bit of an ass but meh *shrugs*) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like this chapter?
> 
> Helpful criticism is very much welcomed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? Feelings? should I continue this?


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